i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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