Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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