I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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