Will you blow on my dice?
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
