Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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