spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
