god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
