You don't have asthma, your pregnant
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
