gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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