I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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