Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
