I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
