so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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