I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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