so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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