Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
