i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
