I'm going to jail i love you
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I cut my penus on the lid.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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