I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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