new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
