he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
