lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
