Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
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