What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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