I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
