college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
