Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
