I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
