We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We need to get me chipped asap
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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