I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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