I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
