There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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