you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
