I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
