you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
