last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize