FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
