Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
