you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
