I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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