Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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