You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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