This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
