my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
