I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
