My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
