I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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