Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
