All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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