You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
