Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
