No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
