Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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