Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
