I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I think i got beer on your cat.
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