It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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