nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
