Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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