who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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