He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
