the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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