when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
