This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize